Surrender and Letting Go: The Hidden Psychological Obstacles“Just let go!” This is something we hear all the time; a popularized slogan in the self-help literature. But what does it mean to “let go”? Why is it so helpful and how do you go about it? The more I work with clients as a psychotherapist and the more I walk through life’s twists and turns, it seems that ‘letting go’ is really one of the most simple yet seemingly complex of spiritual principles. The aim of this article is to share central elements and clinical vignettes of the letting go process, the knowledge of which seems helpful to many clients I have had the honor of working with as a therapist. To ‘let go’ seems akin to the spiritual process of surrender, and very much related to principles of faith and trust. This article is focused on aspects of the inner, subjective process of letting go with the aim of presenting information applicable for individuals of various spiritual orientations. What is it we let go of, anyway?What is it we let go of or surrender, anyway?The first essential element is to acknowledge that whatever we’re attempting to let go of is entirely within. For instance, take resentment. Everyday language acknowledges that resentments originate within us. When was the last time you heard someone say, ‘Well, John gave me a resentment today!’? Passing moments of irritation, anger, disappointments and worry may come and go throughout the day. Yet, it is not the passing emotions that we struggle to let go of. What we really have difficulty surrendering are lingering resentments and limiting perceptions of ourselves and others in life – that which seems permanent and impossible to overcome. From a psychological vantage point one explanation for the difficulty of letting go has to do with early life experiences around trust and faith. Trust and faith, it seems, are prerequisites to letting go and surrender. A little caveat here… To reduce your present day psychological make-up to past events or family upbringing is far too simplistic. After all, individuals from the most seemingly difficult life circumstances may be very psychologically mature while others from seemingly more ideal conditions may not. Nevertheless, self-reflective inquiry into our present day patterns and their likely associations with early life experiences is of great value. This is especially true with regard to the presence or absence of people in our lives in whom we placed great trust and faith. From a psychoanalytic viewpoint, there are strong correlations between the nature of one’s relationship with early authority figures and one’s present day capacity to trust or have faith in something greater than one’s self – whether that something is Divinity, Buddhanature, Life, the Universe or whatever term best represents your spiritual orientation. 1 One upside I observe frequently among individuals lacking a mature parent or close relative in whom they felt safe, secure and loved is a steely self-reliance. After all, if one could not trust others, where else to turn but oneself? The downside is that this kind of self-reliance is too often one dimensional. One cannot live a fulfilling life - much less experience the fullness of successful relationships - by relying entirely on oneself. In such cases, trusting that it is safe to let go of your perception of a situation, or your seeming sense of control, is understandably, very difficult. And this brings us full circle to our original question - what are we really letting go of, anyway? Can we really let go of ‘perception’ itself or our ‘sense of control’? After all, what does it mean to ‘let go of control’? What is ‘control’ anyway? With observation one will notice there is no such thing as ‘letting go of control,’ much less ‘being in control.’ What are we really attached to?In Buddhist psychology, if we’re struggling to let go of something this implies that we are “attached” to that something. Yet, as we noted above can there really be an attachment to control or perceptions? Is that really what we are attached to within?It must be something else. In therapy, when clients are honest about the intensity of their feelings in a given moment, rarely does someone blurt out – “I am struggling with my attachment to control.” That statement might be a serviceable description about an experience, but it speaks little to what we’re really experiencing within when we struggle to let go. The psychiatrist and author, David R. Hawkins, offers a powerful distinction, noting that we are not attached to the thing in question, but to attachment itself. What that means psychologically is that we are attached to the satisfaction of the resentment, the satisfaction of seemingly being in control, the satisfaction of our perceptions of ourselves and others. 2 Again, how can one let go of perception itself or an abstract concept such as ‘being in control’? For example, you cannot let go of a person, only the emotional satisfaction you derive from resenting that person. With honesty, you may acknowledge that the high of feeling angry about our perceptions feels fantastic! This is so, despite the obviously painful and destructive consequences of anger. This satisfaction inherent in feeling anger and other attachments is related to the psychological concept of a ‘secondary gain,’ that hidden payoff underlying a belief, emotional orientation, story or perspective we may consciously wish to let go, yet continue to hold onto. Psychoanalytic Views on Faith and TrustAnd this brings us back to faith and trust…Letting go of the hidden satisfaction we derive from our attachments, whatever they are, calls for faith. Yet, depending on the presence or absence of early supportive relationships, having faith that letting go is safe to do may be difficult. To the ego, letting go represents a loss that may signify impending loneliness and despair. The Psychoanalyst, Otto F. Kernberg, notes the difficulty individuals may have in letting go of distorted perceptions of one’s self or others if they lacked happy, supportive relationships in their youth. 3 Such relationships serve as an inner source of consolation we presumably carry with us throughout life, internalizing these healthy figures of authority and support. From a psychological viewpoint, this is to say that without the internal support of past relationships with loving authority figures (in contrast to harsh, authoritarian figures), the ego has very little trust that letting go will be safe, much less beneficial. Again, from a spiritual viewpoint, one could also say that without the experience of early supportive figures, one is less likely to trust a reality/power greater than the personal self, whether God, Life or Buddhanature. Faith, then, may become overly invested in one’s personal self rather than something or someone else. One may have little experience suggesting it is safe to let go of anything. Light at the end of this tunnelFaith and trust naturally follow the healthy, psychological resolution of loss and difficulty. To live through loss or the letting go of something cherished - thanks in part to the love and support of others - not only helps cultivate faith in something greater than one’s self, but a balanced sense of self-confidence.Paradoxically, an over investment in one’s self may mask insecurity – and reflect an unconscious compensation following the absence of security, trust and love in childhood. If you are struggling to let go of something, and for that reason made it to the conclusion of this article, there is light at the end of this tunnel. One of the great, unacknowledged lessons of a healthy early childhood is that despite the inevitable losses of life, one’s inner well being is not threatened. Having little or no experience of this, you may have little faith that this also applies to you. Later in life, the so called healthy child may come to realize that the source of his well being lies within, and letting go of real or imagined things does not compromise that well being. This does not imply that those less fortunate are incapable of learning the same lesson, but merely that the lesson is left to be learned. So in taking your leap of faith to let go of your attachments, trust that your true source of fulfillment cannot be lost, and it is safe to let go. Greater still, know that the benefits of letting go far exceeds the satisfaction - conscious or unconscious - of holding on.
Whether via this article or others sources, having a broader contextual understanding of what makes letting go so difficult is helpful. More helpful still is engaging in a therapeutic process which assists you in experientially releasing painful, chronic emotions. Please feel free to contact me for a free counseling consultation to learn more about the letting go process in therapy. References
Matt Laughlin, MAPsychotherapist 303-929-3353
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