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"The Million Dollar Question" for
Overcoming Communication Problems in Relationships
by Matt Laughlin
Something I often witness as a Boulder marriage counselor
is how frequently communication problems in relationships represent
a failure to understand one another's context.
Buddhists and Christians alike are familiar with the wisdom of St. Francis,
who asks that we may not so much seek "to be understood, as to
understand; to be loved, as to love."
But how do we bring to the foreground such wisdom in our relationship communication?
One of the greatest contributors to communication problems in relationships
is the lack of an appreciation of "context"1
Put simply, it is context which determines the meaning
and significance of any event, comment or happening that occurs in your relationship.
Example: Tuesday Night Dinner
Take, for instance, the generic example about something as
ordinary as where and what to eat for dinner on a Tuesday night.
Each person's unique context determines the meaning and significance
of something as simple as dinner.
The Event: Dinner on Tuesday Night
Your Context: You're driving home from work tired,
and perhaps hoping to process some difficulties you had that day.
Your stomach has been bothering you a little so you decide making
a bland dinner might be best, and besides, you're worried about
keeping to your budget. Since you're not feeling well, you're not
in the mood for a stimulating night and instead hope for a quiet
evening with a cup of tea and your kitty on your lap.
Their Context: Your husband has already arrived home and is
eager to share some great news he received at work. He's in a mood to
celebrate and can't wait to tell you all about it. He decides not to
help get dinner started and plans, instead, to surprise you by taking
you out to eat when you arrive home. So, instead of prepping in the
kitchen he turns on the T.V., kicks up his feet and eagerly waits
for you to pull in the driveway.
Is this an unavoidable collision waiting to happen?
Can you see how you and your spouse,
quite innocently, may come from an entirely different context?
As illustrated in the following chart, each context, in turn,
shapes your unique sense of meaning for this particular event.
Let's enlarge the relationship communication context further...
Your Larger Context: In your childhood family system relationship
communication didn't happen very overtly. Everything was indirectly communicated,
and the unspoken rule is - avoid conflict at all cost.
Rarely did you feel safe to disagree with your Father, for instance.
And, if you did, you never dared to do so directly.
Their Larger Context: Your husband's cultural heritage
is quite different than yours, and family gatherings are always loud,
emotional and expressive affairs. The first time you saw your husband
disagree with his Father so directly brought up a strong sense of fear.
In his family system it was as though the unspoken rule is engaging in
conflict is how we communicate.
Notice all of the different conscious and unconscious
contextual influences which contribute various shades of
meaning about how to discuss something as simple as what to eat for dinner?
Compassionate Understanding
Communication in relationships will not work without
consideration and respect for your partner's unique,
ever-changing context. Such considerate understanding is an expression of compassion.
In my Boulder couples therapy practice the personal nuances and
depths of each individuals context go far beyond the generic example given here.
Yet, the most successful couples share one trait in common...
They grow in their commitment and ability to seek first to understand.
Out of love for the other, they become increasingly willing and
motivated to first understand the context their spouse or partner is coming from.
Naturally, it is not as though you have to ask - "From what contextual
vantage point are you experiencing this dinner discernment dilemma?"
More likely, you might simply get in the habit of asking "the million dollar question"...
"Where you at?"
This isn't to say that you passively ignore your context,
but instead, seek first to understand your partner's world.
A funny thing happens - as you do this you just may notice your
spouse going out of his/her way to understand your context first.
The result?
Seeming dilemmas such as what to eat on a Tuesday night,
far from being a collision, become an opportunity for intimacy, love and trust.
References
* This article was inspired by psychiatrist David R. Hawkins'
description of the importance of realizing the relationship between
context and content.
1. Hawkins, David R. 2008. Truth vs Falsehood. Toronto: Axial Publishing Company.
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