Couples Counseling Boulder, CO:
Realign Your Relationship
With Your Shared Values

A core strategy from my couples counseling Boulder practice…

It is not uncommon for couples to feel as though they are adrift at sea, not really sure where they’re going in life, much less what is the driving inspiration of their journey together.

In couples therapy, partners are quick to answer questions about some of the activities or lifestyle preferences they share. Even during a difficult period, I find couples can readily say what they appreciate about the other. Yet, when asked to describe the core values on which their relationship or marriage rests, many find this difficult to answer.

Core values are very often only implied or unaddressed in the exciting phase of a new relationship. And, while a married couple may recall aspects of their stated intentions or wedding vows, it seems with time the significance of their shared vision is no longer at the forefront of their hearts and minds.

When faced with a life crisis, challenge or conflict, the real significance of the presence or absence of a shared vision for your relationship becomes apparent. It informs how to be and where to focus your energy during harmonious periods.

And, most importantly…

It guides your process together during conflict and tension. Many of the couples I work with in my Boulder psychotherapy practice have a clear sense of what inspires them in life as individuals. And they can usually give a great description of their partner’s driving inspiration or interests. But when it comes to core values that align them together as a couple – there is often much less clarity.

In short…

While a lot of couples can say something about their shared values, few seem to consciously choose to bring those values to the foreground, much less turn to them in conflict as a source of inspiration and guidance. I always invite each couple to write a mission statement for their relationship in the early stages of marriage counseling or couples therapy. Given the nature of relationships, this process is somewhat distinct from writing a personal vision statement.

It’s also…

Quite different than listing your favorite activities, interests, lifestyle preferences or hobbies. Such a list offers little help in duress or crisis. Instead, I invite couples to approach the process as follows...

The Core Value Process

1. Individually, reflect on what gives your life the most meaning and significance? What inspires you? After reflecting, write 1-3 sentences describing some of your core inspirations in life. Don’t worry – these are the kinds of questions you can contemplate for decades. Just write whatever occurs to you now, wherever you find yourself in life.

2. Next, individually reflect on what kind of man or woman you seek to become? This isn’t to say who you are today is somehow insufficient, or that you lack positive qualities. Rather, it acknowledges that each is always growing. Simply recall how you were in certain situations 10 years ago - compared to today. To help with this process, reflect on some of the most inspiring people in your life (whether you know them personally or not) and then make a list of their qualities. Pick the most inspiring qualities that are in alignment with your personal vision for yourself, and write 1-3 sentences describing what kind of man or woman you seek to become in life. No doubt, if you recognize such qualities in others, they must already be present within you, awaiting your attention and recognition.

3. As a couple, take some time to share with one another your core inspirations in life (from #1) and your list of qualities you seek to cultivate further within yourself (from #2). In all the couples I have worked with, no matter how culturally or spiritually unique they may be as individuals, there are usually very similar inspirations and/or qualities they seek to cultivate further.

4. Next, as a couple, reflect on how your relationship might support the realization of your shared values and inspirations. Specifically, talk about how the relationship might support the cultivation of the positive qualities you each aspire to develop further. After talking together, take time to write a short mission statement describing the core intention, mission, or purpose of your relationship as it relates to the fulfillment of your shared values. While the statements couples prepare together are especially unique and diverse in their expression, they often share an alignment with core principles. ‘Unconditional love’, ‘kindness’ and ‘compassion’ are often some of the central themes I observe in practice.

5. Finally, once you have written your relationship mission statement, reflect together on how you might support each other in the fulfillment of your shared vision. If, for instance, an aspect of your shared intent is for the relationship to help you each become more kind or loving, how might you support one another in the realization of that goal? As ideas come to you, write down two things you will each commit to doing, or seek to ‘being’ for the other.

   And here is a significant point...

   This exercise usually brings to our awareness the many ways in which we are not being loving, kind, flexible, understanding, etc. Instead of coming up with an idea to be 'more kind' when discussing a difficult topic with your loved one, you might commit to acknowledging when you are unkind, as soon as you catch yourself.

   One of the many values of this exercise is that it allows you to select the areas in which you feel comfortable committing to be supportive for your partner, without disregarding the areas of the relationship in which you might feel frustrated, hurt or unfulfilled.

While “issues” remain, and there is conflict left to work through, I am continually touched by the impact this exercise has on couples I have worked with in my counseling practice. It is only a first step, but a powerful one at that. I hope you find the exercise useful for you and yours.

You might also find this suggested practice on humor and healthy communication helpful.

Questions about couples therapy? Please feel free to contact me.


Return from couples counseling boulder core value process

Matt Laughlin, MA

Psychotherapist

303-929-3353

My Boulder Couples Counseling Practice is located at:

1634 Walnut Street, Suite 111C

Boulder, CO 80302

Also serving the following Colorado cities and towns:

Arvada, Alma, Aurora, Bennett, Black Hawk, Brighton, Broomfield, Castle Rock, Centennial, Central City, Cherry Hills Village, Columbine Valley, Commerce City, Dacono, Denver, Englewood, Evergreen, Federal Heights, Firestone, Fort Lupton, Frederick, Georgetown, Glendale, Golden, Greeley, Greenwood Village, Idaho Springs, Kiowa, Lafayette, Lakeside, Lakewood, Larkspur, Littleton, Lone Tree, Longmont, Louisville, Lyons, Morrison, Mountain View, Niwot, Northglenn, Parker, Sheridan, Superior, Thornton, Westminster and Wheat Ridge.