Couples Counseling Boulder, CO:
Using Humor to Remove
The Obstacles to Healthy Communication

What follows is a simple, yet powerful exercise from my couples counseling Boulder practice…

A telling observation noted in psychoanalysis is that owning and admitting our so called ‘character defects’ and shortcomings actually brings about a greater sense of emotional safety, diminished defensiveness and increased self-esteem in relationships.¹

Yet, despite these positive consequences, owning our downside - or “our part” in a conflict - is one of the most difficult tasks in relationships.

One way to own our downside is through humor.

A measure of health is the capacity to laugh at ourselves - even if for a moment. If laughter is so healthy, why so challenging?

An obstacle to laughing at ourselves is the tendency of the human ego to personalize everything, instead of seeing certain limitations as an impersonal aspect of being human. Something I continually observe as a therapist is the impersonal aspects at work in relationship struggles.

Every couple I have worked with, though successful ‘adults’, seem to struggle with the archetype of the ‘inner child.’

A successful business owner in his late forties, for instance, may appear to be an adult with no child-like qualities. Yet, in the context of intimate relationships, aspects of his inner child may come easily to the surface. Such a person may handle work and business relationships with dignity and whine like a boy in the emotionally safe space of a marriage.

It seems an impersonal aspect of being human is to work through underdeveloped aspects of our psyches - otherwise known as our downsides.

Very often, owning your downside in the context of a specifically difficult situation with your partner is too much to ask. Instead, I suggest couples start by bringing levity and humor to their relationship by selecting a name for a childish aspect of themselves that comes up more generally in their communication dynamics.

I observe the child in myself, as I do in the clients I work with. In my case, my wife and I jokingly refer to this inner child of mine as “cranky pants.” And here lies the value of humor.

In some respects, the fact that a professional business woman feels emotionally safe enough to pout with her partner, speaks to some level of trust and safety. It is only when such traits dominate communication that a relationship dynamic tips into an unhealthy pattern.

The Humor and Communication Practice

You may observe that you can be very grumpy and frustrated. Or perhaps, you tend to be more pouty and helpless. Focus your awareness less on the specific content of your words, or on the specifics of what is being communicated, and instead on your way of being.

Once you have a sense of a negative way of being that comes up in your relationship during conflicts, assign a humorous name to this aspect of yourself and then share this name with your significant other.

Doing this practice has a remarkably healing effect on communication dynamics in relationships. Whether or not you are correct in your position about financial decisions, your partner will feel much safer and warmer towards you and your views if you can own your downside with humor and lightness.

Whenever you catch yourself slipping into a defensive way of being, you have now created an option in consciousness to choose another way. Of course, you will still slip into this childish way of being. However, you have also created other possibilities by virtue of your intention and growing awareness. With mindfulness, you just might turn to your loved one and ask, “How in the world do you deal with Pouty Pattie?”

The variations of such “childish” ways of being are quite diverse, and in psychological terms, may reflect an unconscious defense that actually served you well in your past. Therefore, there is no need to feel unnecessarily guilty for what you observe in yourself, though it is natural to do so. The underlying dynamics that emerge in relationships are often quite unconscious, and unintended.

As psychiatrist David R. Hawkins notes, “The effect of humor is therapeutic, and it also increases human bonding and compassion via mutual recognition. Humor reduces inner pain, shame and guilt, thereby revealing more benign options”¹

Another benefit of mindfully bringing humor into your relationship dynamics is the promising tendency of your defensive way of being to diminish with time.

Give it a try and see what happens!

To read about the power of realigning your relationship with your shared core values, click here.

Matt Laughlin, MA

Psychotherapist

303-929-3353

References

1634 Walnut Street, Suite 111C

Boulder, CO 80302

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