Do you really value what you say you do?

April, 2011 by Matt Laughlin

One of the difficult yet liberating things about psychotherapy and coaching - or really any process of self-investigation - is coming to terms with ourselves as we really are.

Not as we like to imagine ourselves to be - our ideal vision of ourselves - but as we are day to day.

It is rare to meet someone who reads articles such as this who does not value (at some level) love, integrity and goodwill towards others. But how much do we really value these virtues?

It is said that we become what we value most in life. And one of the first confrontations of any honest self-inquiry is the realization that what we say we value most and what we actually value may be directly in conflict with one another.

How do we distinguish between the two? How do we uncover the values we actually energize in life?

Provided we have the courage and gentleness to look at ourselves, the answer is simple. Now, getting to that place of courage and gentleness is another thing entirely!

The barrier to answering this question

Let's presume that our super-egos (that aspect of the psyche which may overly condemn and burden oneself with guilt for any human limitation) have taken a vacation for the day. Better yet... for the rest of the week! Picture them hanging out on a cruise ship together, complaining about the stupid, lazy and selfish people they have to manage every day.

Okay... so, now that we're suddenly willing and able to compassionately look at our human limitations (for a few days, anyway) we discover that it is our manner of living which tells us which values take front seat in our lives.

But wait!

If you are not sure if your super-ego did, indeed, go on vacation... please grab a candy bar and eat it while you read the rest of this article. If you don't hear a voice scolding you about eating candy before noon, you're probably safe to proceed. If a sane, warm and logical voice tells you to save half of the candy for a reward after exercising later, you're probably good to go, too.

So back to how we live...

This recognition that how we live is a reflection of what we really value is a theme repeated throughout the Great Books of history.

Montaigne captured it beautifully when he wrote: "The conduct of our lives is the true mirror of our doctrine."

And Freud even suggests, in the following declaration, that we don't value a thing at all if we don't live by it: "He does not believe that does not live according to his belief."

Unearthing the personal values behind our behaviors and ways of being in the world is not as easy as appears.

Does taking the time to dress nicely each day suggest you overly value vanity and other people's approval or is it a sign that you value beauty, self-respect and dignity?

How about exercise? (Remember - your super-ego is on vacation!). Do you exercise in order to shape your body just so... to look good (values = vanity and pride) or do you work out for the joy of it... because you feel alive, calm, energized and vital (values = stewardship, health and wellbeing)? Do you exercise at all? (On vacation!)

How about television? (Again, your super-ego isn't here right now). If you watch T.V. , what do you watch, and how much time do you really spend watching? Are the programs inherently uplifting and healthy (meaning a midwestern Grandmother may happily watch with you, albeit bored at times) or are they inherently base and degrading?

My own example

A year or so ago my wife and I got cable after going several years without it (before that we would read, talk more, and watch our cats wrestle for entertainment). Today, we're again without cable, but I am grateful we had it for a good while. I loved watching the news, and a number of other benign or even uplifting programs (HBO series, Nature Documentaries, etc). It was a grand study in human nature - and therefore, myself.

But I also developed a habit of watching a program which deviates from what I value most in life. I got to watching The Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC). Sometimes I would return from meditating for an hour in the evening and then flip the channel to catch the highlights of a UFC fight! My super-ego had a field day with that!

Now, at first I would rationalize my watching some UFC fights as a mindfulness practice of sorts. I would tell my wife - who didn't enjoy hearing the T.V. from the other room - look honey, this guy seems like a courageous, loving guy. He didn't gloat over his opponent like the other fighters do! That's admirable! He even has a bible verse tattooed on his chest!

While it is true that many fighters do relate to their craft as an art and a means to grow in courage, self-discipline, faith and dedication - that's not why I was watching. I mainly watched for the vicarious thrill of primitive blood lust. If my super-ego had a hard time with that, my "id" - that primitive, unconscious aspect of the ego - absolutely loved it. But I don't want my "id" determining how I spend my time.

Gratefully, this habit diminished and went away entirely the more I simply asked myself values-based questions. Is this precious time spent in alignment with what I value most in life? Do I value prideful, primitive displays of violence more than I value peace and tranquility? Nope. At least that is what I said. My actions spoke otherwise.

But what I noticed is that simply asking myself this question, repeatedly, led to a change in my behavior. Simply holding this behavior honestly in awareness - witnessing myself objectively - led to the diminishment and disappearance of the behavior all together.

This is very illustrative. Deep down, the highest and most noble aspects of ourselves await recognition and acknowledgement. This article isn't about the UFC, or my limiting behaviors. It is a call to examine ourselves in the highest, most compassionate light possible.

What do you really value most in life? Are your actions in accord with those values? Is your way of being and presence with others a reflection of what is most dear to you? If you could honestly look at yourself, free of judgment and condemnation, what might you discover?

Finally, If your super-ego (also the seat of our conscience) returned from vacation, miraculously rehabilitated and transformed into a much more benign and loving guide, what might it suggest you take a closer look at?

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