Three Domains of a Truly Healthy Relationship

by Matt Laughlin



Read through your dictionary and you'll discover that the Anglo-Saxon root of health is "hal," from which we derive our modern words, "heal", "whole" and "holy." In this context a "healthy" relationship is one in which we heal, become whole and realize a sense of holiness in our love. Put differently, a healthy relationship, by design, will surface every underdeveloped, inner obstacle within us to healing, to becoming whole and to realizing a holy sense of love within.

1.) Healing Relationship

Heal: "to restore to original purity or integrity"

A healthy relationship is a healing relationship; one in which our inner obstacles to psychological and emotional growth are brought to our awareness to be corrected, let go and undone. In essence, to heal in relationship is to transcend limiting beliefs, perspectives and patterns impeding our capacity to love more fully.

Many couples suffer through guilt, shame and frustration as their inner obstacles to unconditional love naturally and inevitably arise in their relationship. Without a larger context of understanding which acknowledges and normalizes these primitive aspects of the human psyche many feel hopeless in the face of difficulty. Couples suffer through guilt and rejection as animal like patterns of control, isolation and dominance ensue.

In contrast, couples who embrace a central function of their relationship as a means to heal are already more readily equipped with the willingness and motivation to compassionately respond to these limiting patterns in one another. Not only do they value forgiveness, they also value inner investigation and understanding.

They seek to understand their own unique mix of familial and cultural programming and belief systems, always on the look out for fallacious and limiting views which may contribute to their own self-condemnation or negativity towards their partner. As they do this they simultaneously grow to respond more compassionately to their partner's limited ways of being.

Ultimately, as they grow and heal together, they support one another in their own unique processes of psychological individuation, a Jungian concept the fruition of which is a whole human being, courageously being and expressing what they are in life.

2.) Healthy Relationship is to Become Whole Together

Whole: "constituting the entirety of a person's nature or development"

The Swiss psychoanalyst, Carl G. Jung, once wrote that "human wholeness" is the goal of psychotherapy (1). In essence, Jung is saying that realizing human wholeness is one of the great tasks of life itself!

But what place does wholeness have in our intimate relationships?

Merriam Webster's definition noted above suggests an empowering context to explore wholeness in relationships.

development...

Human development occurs on a spectrum, evolving from primitive, limited and grossly physical levels towards increasingly higher levels of the human spirit, characterized by inspiration, joy, creativity and completeness.

In other words, if you're like most human beings when you enter into a relationship you quickly discover the many ways in which, well, you haven't yet reached your highest potential.

Rarely do two individuals enter into a loving marriage or committed relationship after having reached their highest developmental potential. In actuality, it is the experiences, pain, lessons and joys arising in relationships that often serve as a vehicle of growth and maturation.

In a certain sense, you could say that healthy relationships are designed to help us develop and fulfill our potential in life. What this means practically is that relationships may, by nature, surface all that is underdeveloped within us.

the entirety of a person's nature...

To become whole in relationships involves a process of recognizing and accepting our more primitive, narcissistic nature while simultaneously discovering and realizing a higher nature characterized by love and compassion.

This road to healthy relationship wholeness may include...

1.) Supporting one another in truly maturing psychologically into an adult, as childlike and parental aspects of their psyches are brought to awareness and laid to rest.
2.) Supporting one another in growing in the many roles assumed within and outside their relationship (i.e. fatherhood, motherhood, professional, financial, service, faith community, friendships and many other roles taken-up throughout a life time)
3.) Supporting one another in reaching their highest, potential in life - physically, mentally and spiritually.

All of the seeming dilemmas, conflicts, disagreements and inevitable errors that arise as couples grow in their journey towards human wholeness are met more gracefully by couples whose intention is to support one another throughout such a process.

Couples who embrace human wholeness as a core function of their relationship or marriage more readily come to value their union as a mutually supportive experience of becoming whole.

3.) Holy Relationships

Holy: "having a Divine quality (~Love), venerated as or as if sacred"

What word but "holy" could capture the profound experience of gratitude, love and compassion that has the potential to arise in devoted marriages and committed, close relationships?

Relationships as a vehicle to become "whole" and to "heal" ultimately lead to their highest function - spiritual growth.

Those couples who dedicate their relationships as a means of spiritual growth - in accord with a tradition or teaching most meaningful to them - are blessed with a powerful dimension of meaning and significance from which to understand and grow in their life together.

In this context, a holy relationship may include a growth process classically referred to as 'spiritual purification'. This process simultaneously reveals our inner limitations, past experiences and belief systems that keep us from loving unconditionally while guiding us to the discovery that we are always capable of greater lovingness.

Couples who view a central function of their relationship as a vehicle for spiritual growth are empowered to love one another more fully. Aligning their relationship with the love of God, Divinity, A Higher Power - or whatever name you ascribe the source of life - empowers couples to experience a greater capacity for love inaccessible to their personal egos alone.

As psychiatrist, Dr. Hawkins writes, "Love is a quality of Divinity and as such illuminates the Essence and the lovability of others." (2)

References
1. Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections.
2. Hawkins, Reality, Spirituality and Modern Man.





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