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If Aristotle Were a Couples Therapistby Matt LaughlinTweet If you’re like me you probably didn’t pay especially close attention to the wisdom of Aristotle, Socrates or Plato when they first came across your radar. Or maybe you did, but my bet is that the man or woman you are today would get so much more from a second glance. I have a vague recollection of reading a little of this or that in college, but it wasn’t until recently that I have felt compelled to read Greek Philosophy. It turns out that the principle question driving much of these great philosophical writings of old is the very same question that is at the heart of the psychotherapeutic process: how to lead a fulfilling and meaningful life? Aristotle referred to his two great works, Nicomachean Ethics and Politics as a “philosophy of human affairs.” As a therapist, reading these writings I marvel at how eloquently they explore so many of the topics central to individual and couples therapy. Why am I unhappy? What is happiness? How do I live a good life in accord with what is most meaningful to me? What is most dear to me? What makes me feel so conflicted and unsure? Why are relationships so difficult? What is a healthy relationship? Etc…. In the context of my couples therapy work, I was especially intrigued by Aristotle’s writings on friendship (chapters 8 and 9 of Nicomachean Ethics). Marriage counselors and relationship theorists of today stress how important friendship is to a healthy marriage, yet their work doesn’t seem to get to the heart of the subject. These theorists focus on how to communicate more effectively and stress the importance of spending time with one another; both are of obvious value. Judging by his work, Aristotle would definitely agree. Yet such work seems to miss the essence of what Aristotle refers to as teliaphilia, a complete or perfect friendship. Aristotle's Three Forms of FriendshipAristotle classifies friendship in three ways: those based on pleasure, utility or virtue. “Friendship of virtue”, says Aristotle, is the highest and rarest form. It includes mutual pleasure and usefulness, but is based on entirely different principles and motives alien to the lower forms of friendship. Reading the following excerpt on how complaints arise in “friendships of utility” makes me wonder if there is a lost volume or two of Aristotle’s treatise on couples therapy:“But the friendship of utility is full of complaints; for as they use each other for their own interests they always want to get the better of the bargain, and think they have got less than they should, and blame their partners because they do not get all they ‘want and deserve;’….” (Book VIII, chap 13).
Many people seek therapy simply because they feel they’re not getting what they want from their partner. And many of the relationship books on the market strive to provide solutions to this vexing problem. You’ll find a number of writings telling you “how to get your needs met,” etc.
Judging by the works of Aristotle, I think he would agree that this kind of focus has its limitations. He makes a compelling case that the most perfect friendship is not based on mutual usefulness, but on mutual lovingness. And this lovingness is based one one’s character and commitment to virtue. Take a look at these two statements:
"Perfect friendship is the friendship of men who are good, and alike in virtue; for these wish well alike to each other qua good, and they are good in themselves.
Now those who wish well to their friends for their sake are most truly friends; for they do this by reason of their own nature and not incidentally;
therefore their friendship lasts as long as they are good - and goodness is an enduring thing" (Book VIII, chap 3)
"Now it looks as if love were a feeling, friendship a state of character; for love may be felt just as much towards lifeless things, but mutual love involves choice and choice springs from a state of character; and men wish well to those whom they love, for their sake, not as a result of a feeling but as a result of a state of character" (Book VIII, chap 5)
In Aristotle’s work the highest form of friendship - and I would argue the highest form of marriage and committed relationship - is rooted in a selfless devotion grounded in a shared commitment to virtue for virtue’s sake. In this kind of marital friendship what a man wants for his wife is what is good for her, for the sake of her. And what a woman wants for her husband is good for him, for the sake of him. In short, their relationship is an expression of their shared values and principles.
If Aristotle were a couples therapist I have no doubt that he would gently guide the couples he worked with to an understanding and experience that self-love and love of their partner are not in conflict as they so often appear. Rather, they are in complete harmony with the other.
Provided both people are essentially of good character (which is my experience of my clients) the task, then, is not to focus on getting one’s needs met, but to focus on one’s inner obstacles to expressing the lovingness central to what they are. When couples choose a friendship of virtue as their goal, their relationship is bound to last, for “goodness is an enduring thing.”
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