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Run your relationship like a businessby Matt LaughlinTweet 'Business' is hardly a word one usually associates with love, bonding and fulfillment. Yet, in my Boulder couples therapy practice this powerful tip gave rise to the following guidelines. It has turned out to be a very effective context for generating deepened intimacy and closeness in relationship communication. Turns out the characteristics of a healthy business share much in common with the central elements of healthy relationships. Consider these questions...Imagine a business with no company vision or mission. On what is such a business founded? What purpose does it serve beyond meeting the immediate, transitory wants and needs of the employees and shareholders? What inspires business leaders and employees to see it through uncertainty and market challenges?What are some of the characteristics of businesses that successfully acknowledge and move through in-house disappointments and communication difficulties? Successful businesses do not deny areas of weakness or mistrust; they acknowledge the concerns of employees and work through them gracefully. Where do people feel most compelled to work? In environments in which our gifts are cultivated and appreciated? Or in stifling companies with no room to grow, much less be ourselves? Most profoundly, what is it about businesses that attract some of the most trustworthy, inspired and qualified employees? A company vision which transcends personal gain is characteristic of businesses that endure periods of turmoil and challenge. The 5 Guidelines and Benefits of Effective Board MeetingsA powerful complement to couples therapy is using 'homework' and strategies that couples do on their own. What follows is one of the simplest, yet most effective homework strategies couples find most useful.If you are committed to renewing a sense of fulfillment, closeness and trust in your relationship then commit to holding a once weekly board meeting for approximately 30-45 minutes. Guideline # 1: Act and speak as you would in a 'real' board meeting. Imagine arguing with your boss the way you might argue with your partner. Not a lot of job security there. On the other hand, some of the most respected business leaders have the capacity to express their emotions and disappointments in a way that engenders support and respect. They don't deny their concerns. They express them gracefully; the tone and underlying intention is to share their experience for the good of the business, not for personal gain or to win an argument. Benefits: This guideline helps couples escape the tendency to get polarized in a power struggle to 'be right,' and instead, shifts the focus to the benefit of the whole. Not only does it bring more civility, logic and care into the communication dynamics, it also tends to shift the focus of the discussion from primarily self-interest to concern for the health of the relationship. Guideline # 2: Start every meeting with acknowledgments of recent successes and appreciation for your co-workers (i.e. your sweetheart). Take a moment to genuinely share what you are most grateful for in your partner, and the ways in which their commitment and contributions to the relationship/business are most beneficial and touching to you. Benefits: Starting your board meetings in this way tends to diminish the likelihood of presenting a limited, and therefore, false view of the relationship. More often than not, we tend to narrow our focus when frustrated in one aspect of our relationship and in the heat of a moment completely ignore the positive and supportive aspects our partners bring to our lives. It is just as heart-warming to give acknowledgement as it is to be acknowledged. When we do this as a couple we create a heart space in which it is much easier to share and receive difficult feedback. Guideline # 3: A company that ignores areas of weakness, or denies that the emotional fulfillment of their employees is essential, is doomed to failure. The same applies to a committed relationship. Couples need to be just as confident at acknowledging one another as they are being honest about their vulnerabilities, fears and disappointments. When you express a concern, take a wide view as you would in a business meeting. A good business leader, like a good spouse, recognizes the strengths and growing edges in their business associates. Keep in mind the strengths and vulnerabilities of your partner, and refrain from holding them to some hypothetical ideal in your mind and instead, meet them where they are. Whether in the domain of sex, managing finances, or juggling the day to day tasks of running a household, let your partner know where you feel disappointed. But do so in a way that invites them to listen less defensively by simply sharing your emotional experience of a matter without casting blame on them for your inner experience. A basic tenet of a healthy relationship is this: you are the source of your emotional experience, not your partner. Benefits: Expressing our concerns or disappointments with love tends to elevate the level of discussion. Don't confuse this guideline as negating or denying your frustrations. Board meetings can get heated, too. Nevertheless, when holding a relationship board meeting commit to sharing your experience of your partner as you would in a 'real' board meeting. As the old saying goes, it is not what you say, but how you say it. By giving your spouse the respect and love you give co-workers, you'll be surprised at the respect and love that is returned to you. Guideline # 4: Get clear on the vision, mission or purpose of the relationship. How might you support one another if the fulfillment of your potential in life? What does the 'relationship' mean for you? Reflect on your shared spiritual orientations or faith tradition(s) and discuss how the relationship might serve the fulfillment of the principles you are most attracted to in life. What are the core values at the heart of your relationship? Benefits: Very often the only thing that lifts couples out of a period of difficulty, resentment and mistrust is their personal and shared commitment to something greater than their individual selves. The more a couple gets clear on what is most dear to them, the more inspired they are to transcend their passing irritations in favor of what they value most in life. If, for instance, one of your core values is to live a life of love and kindness to others, how might the relationship serve to actualize that commitment? Consider how the relationship could support your vision. Guideline # 5: Create clear agreements. If you are suddenly asked to take on someone else's work that is outside of your job expectations or scope of knowledge, you're likely to feel overwhelmed or resentful at being imposed upon. All too often, difficulties in relationships are due to divergent expectations and the absence of clear agreements. This applies to the simplest and most intimate moments a couple shares. On the mundane level, for instance, if you agreed to empty the kitty litter or pay a particular bill, the height of immaturity in the workplace would be to whine about the fact that you took on these tasks. Yet, couples do this all the time. If indeed, you took on more than you can handle in your relationship responsibilities, then definitely bring it up at your next board meeting together. In the meantime, honor your commitment the way you would honor a professional commitment. Benefits: This practice tends to elevate the level of communication in a relationship, and it also helps couples understand that much of their difficulties are in fact impersonal, and consequent to the lack of clear agreements. Too often we tend to personalize our struggles and a natural tendency of the ego is to seek someone to blame for emotional difficulties. In reality, many struggles may be resolvable with mature communication, a broader view, and clear agreements. The immediate payoff of this practice is that couples refrain from verbally harping on one another throughout the week over the mundane and ordinary tasks of living. Instead, they check in at their next meeting and adjust as necessary. This allows couples to go deeper in their understanding of what is actually going on within one another during periods of difficulty. A key aspect of this guideline is that each person commits to honoring their agreements and waits until the next board meeting to re-evaluate and/or express their concerns. The Bottom Line...The value of holding regular board meetings cannot be overstated. It is so simple, that couples may overlook the true value of this practice. What I observe in my Boulder marriage counseling practice is that among the couples that engage in this practice, doing so seems to swiftly clear away a lot of the mundane, impersonal and superficial difficulties. This allows a clearer state of mind and increased capacity to deal with some of the underlying hurts, fears or relational dynamics couples seek to overcome. It is a great complement to couples therapy.Here are the guidelines, in review...
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