What does your unconscious wish for you?

June, 2011 by Matt Laughlin

Few would admit, publicly, the exact nature of all of their thoughts and wishes towards others. And rarely would it be wise to do so. Giving the unconscious mind a megaphone in the presence of one's coworkers would not only be unkind but also a swift path to unemployment!

It may be wise, however, and tremendously healing, to acknowledge to yourself, and ideally another trusted person, the inner impulses you have towards others. Why?

First, it will lead you into a deeper understanding of what one aspect of your psyche may wish for yourself. And two, you'll discover a new and unexpected way to experience peace of mind and self-compassion.

A basic rule in psychotherapy, like physical medicine, is to first do no harm. Taking an honest look at your inner wishes is not for the faint of heart and is not initially advisable if you are overly critical of your own human frailty and limitations.

In fact, many people may unknowingly deny that they ever harbor negative thoughts about others, much less destructive wishes. To recognize, forgive and let go of destructive wishes for another is often too much to look at without adequate support. Doing so prematurely may actually be significantly harmful.

Many are familiar with the spiritual dictum that what we see in others reflects back to us our own self-perception. In other words, our discomfort about another's seeming limitation may reflect the presence of that limitation in ourselves. Going further and acknowledging negative wishes may sound absurd. Afterall, If Fred is acting like a jerk, Fred is acting like a jerk, right!? What does that have to do with me?

Fred, may indeed, be acting like jerk. But a worthwhile self-inquiry is to ask what, then, does Fred deserve as punishment for his actions? What do you secretly wish for Fred? Because that which you wish to befall Fred you unconsciously wish as punishment for your own frailties, limitations and mistakes in life.

What of your peers, former associates, relatives or 'competitors' in the marketplace? Do you truly wish them well? The best and most loving part of you does, no doubt. But do you notice an aspect of your mind which wishes some of them failure and unhappiness, perhaps worse?

In a lecture given in July, 2002, psychiatrist Dr. David R. Hawkins elaborates at length on the downside of an overly intense superego, at one point illustrating its significance, stating:

"How afraid should you be of your superego, your conscience, the judge, the savage sadistic aspect? If you look at what your worst punishment for anybody would be, that's what it is saving for you..."

It can be dismaying, at first, to begin to own the fact that an aspect of your mind may harbor negative wishes for others. The refreshing news is that it would be highly unusual, if not simply impossible, to be a human being and avoid this phenomena. Anyone who meditates regularly is fast acquainted with this fact. Freudians and Buddhists alike are well familiar with the universal dark tendencies of the human mind.

To recognize and begin to heal such self-destructive aspects of the ego calls for some kind of spiritual program to lessen the psyche's natural tendencies toward guilt and shame. A Course in Miracles, 12 Step Groups and psychotherapy work are a few options among many potential avenues.

In 12 Step groups and psychotherapy alike, there is the added benefit of privately sharing your inner difficulties, troubles and even destructive wishes with another human being, a process which is innately healing and liberating in itself.

The healing power of sharing our troubles can not go overstated. As a participant in healing programs, a recipient of therapy, and psychotherapist, I am continually touched by this phenomena.

It is one thing to intellectually realize you are not your ego, your troubles or your negative wishes and in turn attempt to detach from identifying with them. It is another, entirely, to experience the truth of this by admitting to another person - in the context of a healing program - the specific, destructive nature of the very thing you struggle to overcome or recognize on your own.

Is it worth it to pay attention to such things?

If you have faith that the spiritual dictum is true that loving others is loving yourself, paying attention to our inner wishes presents yet another opportunity to discover greater self-compassion and peace of mind.

Does this mean we're to openly hang out with the all the "Freds" of the world? Not necessarily.

What the dictum invites, however, is an awareness of how we relate, inwardly, to another's humanity. How we respond to Fred's mistakes is how we relate to our own.

The more we forgive another their frailties, the more we in turn feel the lightness, serenity and relief of our own self-forgiveness. We come to realize, experientially, that which we wish for others is truly that which we wish for ourselves.

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